Dear Malvika, I have been in love with a guy for 2 years but he is in love with someone else. He knows I love him and every time I try to tell him how I feel he changes the subject. We are friends and sometimes I feel like he is playing with my emotions by staying friends with me. I have tried to maintain a distance from him but whenever I do that he ends up calling me and I can’t help but receive his call. I have tried to move on but it didn’t work, this situation is stressing me. What should I do?
Oh honey! Why are you putting yourself in a situation like this? It is definitely not worth it. Here is the thing. I am sure he just sees you as a friend. And that is why every time you try and talk about it, he changes the subject. If there was something from his side he would have reciprocated. Now, you know that he is in love with someone else. Then why do you keep talking about it? If you are his friend, just be his friend. Don’t you think you are also crossing the line of your friendship by disrespecting the fact that he is with someone else. Is it fair? If the roles had reversed how you would you have reacted?
People can only play with your emotions if you let them. So instead of putting the blame game on him for playing with your feelings, why don’t you stop it altogether? Tell him honestly that being in constant touch with him is not good for you at the moment and that you need some space. Stop picking up his calls for now and maintain a distance. Move on, be happy for him and keep your friendship platonic.
Dear Malvika, I love to work, you can call me workaholic. My career is very important to me and I take my job seriously. I have missed out on several friends and family gatherings that was not a problem till now because at least my family and friends would call me and tell me about their plans. But lately they have started to ignore me and don’t even call me before making plans. I know I have not been present for a few of the gatherings but that doesn’t mean I wouldn’t want to be part of it. Why don’t they understand that I was busy and I can make time for them too? Yes, I love to work but I love my family and friends too. How do I rebuild the lost relationship I had with my friends and family?
I am a workaholic too and it has never been easy managing time for friends and family. But there is only so much one can do to meet and maintain relationships. You need to learn the balancing act of keeping relationships. Tell them that you would need advance notice for meetings and that you will try your best to be there. And do make the effort to be there too. If you feel that they have stopped making efforts then make plans yourself and ask them out. Apologize for the absence and say that you would like to make it up to them. Believe me when I say this, the more you stay away from friends and family, the more unsocial you become. This comes from a personal experience. Your work might make you feel productive, but you will be empty inside and unhappy at times. So start making plans with family and friends to make up for lost times.
Dear Malvika, It’s been 3 years since I moved to India for my studies. I was a social person and had a large friend circle but over the years I have lost most of my closest friends simply because I couldn’t give them the time I used to. Juggling family, relationship, studies and friends has taken its toll on me. I find myself feeling alone and lost sometimes. I tried reconnecting with my lost buddies but there seems to be an emotional distance between them and me. This has affected my studies and relationship with my family. I don’t know what I should do to make myself feel better; also I want to rekindle my friendship. How should I do it?
With distance, friendships do falter. But you are putting too much stress on yourself. Nothing is lost as of yet. I am not clear as to whether you finished your studies, are working at the moment or back to Nepal. You need something to occupy yourself with. If you want to rekindle your friendship, start making plans and meet on a timely basis.
Sometimes it takes time to get back to where you were with your friends. Once they see you making effort they will realize that you want to be friends again. I also feel like you are in an upheaval at the moment emotionally. Try exercises and healthy food to keep the vibe alive and have a positive outlook on life.
Dear Malvika, I’m a 17 year old girl who has been in a relationship for 3 years. My boyfriend is a couple years older to me. Recently he told me that he was planning to go abroad for his studies. I was okay with this until we became physical in our relationship recently. Now I feel like he will leave or forget about me when he goes away. I am suddenly scared of the long distance relationship I will have to go through soon. This has been affecting my relationship with him and we have been having fights almost on a daily basis. I don’t know what to do now. We talked about it and I feel I am being childish. Am I the immature one?
Should I trust the guy I have given everything to? I feel lost and really need some advice.
You are too young to be in a committed relationship. For God’s sake you are just 17! This is the time for you to focus on your studies, have fun, explore and go out on dates, not stress over one guy. One fact you have to face now is that he is leaving. And this is not the movies where people sacrifice their studies for the love of their life. This is reality. And I am sure you do not want that for him. Be strong, have some faith. If you have trust issues now how will you manage the relationship when he is not here. And please in this day and age, having sex is not giving everything (though you went into it way too early).
Enjoy the time that you two have until he leaves. After that leave it on a ‘let’s see where this goes’ basis. Who knows you might change your mind about the relationship. Please do not waste away your time for a guy when there are so many things you could do. You could change the world, make a difference, help someone, be active in society, focus on your studies, and be the next President. There are endless possibilities. So from one big sister to another small sister ‘girl, don’t stress on it’. And if you want him to be with you, long distance or not, do not keep nagging him or fighting with him for no real reason.
Dear Malvika, I recently got into a relationship with a girl at my college. It was she who asked me out and we have dated for almost 2 weeks. But few days ago I found out that another girl was interested in me. The problem is I had a crush on her during my school years but felt very shy to act on it. Now I’m torn between the girl that is with me and the girl I have always wanted. I don’t want to hurt my girlfriend at all, she is amazing but I keep finding myself thinking about the other girl too. For the first time, I am in such a stable relationship I don’t know what I should do. Should I stick with my girlfriend? Or should I go for the girl that likes me? Am I a bad person for wanting more than I have?
Good Lord! How hard is it for you to make up your mind? You can only be in a relationship with one person. Period. How would you feel if you found out that your girlfriend was in a situation like yours? Would you be okay with it? I am sure not. If in 2 weeks your mind can wander to another girl then I am doubting the depth of your relationship. It does not work like that. Two weeks here and two weeks somewhere else; and that is puppy love, not real love. So be a man. Make up your mind because I cannot do that for you. If you keep this up, do realize that you might just end up alone.
Dear Malvika, I married my high school sweet heart a year ago. Even though my family knows about it, her family is still in the dark. Her parents want me to get a job first and then marry her, that’s why we haven’t been able to tell them. I have tried getting a job to make us all happy but it seems I can’t keep a stable job. I am qualified and do quite well when I start out but slowly I get into problems due to my own reasons. Sometimes I feel I’m not getting paid enough, other times I feel like I am not being able to show my potential. I always end up resigning. Though my wife is happy with me, I get scared that she will grow sick of my behavior or her family will find out and pull her away. What should I do? How do I learn to be happy with the job I have?
The problem that you have stated about your job is something that is quite common amongst youngsters these days. Here is the thing. While starting out on jobs, you have to be able to accept certain things. Initial phase is always a struggle. Sometimes you might not like the working hours, you might not like working under someone else, or you might not like the pay. But for the sake of experience, you do have to suck it up at times, and work for your own selfish reasons.
In this world of extreme competition, you will need to go through shitty jobs in the beginning to know what you are good at and what makes you happy. People look at references these days, and if you are quitting every few months it does not look good on you. Maybe you are picking the wrong job. It is always better to work in your specialized area so that no matter the hardships and trouble, since you are passionate about it, you will stick to it. And as for your relationship, does she work too? Why should the entire burden fall on the man? Gone are those days when only a man needs to work to prove his worthiness. If you two work and earn then I don’t see a problem arising. Just keep the patience alive for now as you are trying to prove to her parents. Good Luck!
Malvika Subba is a media personality, social activist and former Miss Nepal. She is also the CEO of Idea Studio Nepal.
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