It turns out my staying home was the best possible thing both for myself as well as for my children
The other day I read someone’s Facebook status: “Now we have a teenager in our home” and I thought, ‘yes, and now you will have more responsibilities too’. You must be thinking, ‘What nonsense! You need more time with little ones not tweens or teens.  They have already grown. Why would you want to spend more time with them?’ This is where we all are mistaken. According to research, how much time parents spend with their adolescent child makes a big impact in the overall development of a teenager. 

After coming back from the US in 1993, I gave up work altogether to be with my children till they went abroad for their studies. It was not easy. I know you are thinking, ‘Very convenient. You left your children in someone else’s care when they were young and now when they are old enough to take care of themselves and at school full time, you stay home. You must be one lazy parent.’ 

Sorry to disappoint you, but it turns out my staying home was the best thing possible both for myself as well as for my children. Research suggests adolescence is the best time to positively shape a young adult’s life. Having parents who are physically and emotionally available is associated with good behavior during the turbulent teenage years.

It turns out teenagers also want someone to talk to, to ask questions and of course to share and discuss.  

This means spending time together during dinnertime as well. Research also suggests that the more time teenagers spend with parents at meal times and family occasions, the less they are likely to do drugs, drink or indulge in illicit behavior. I know you are saying, ‘but they are all grownup, why do they need us around? They have their own mind and do things accordingly.’ Yes, on the outside it appears that they don’t need parents anymore, but the reality is something else. 

Although they keep their own schedules, and often rebuff your friendly questions about their days as intrusion on their affairs, or can even give the impression that interacting with the family comes at the cost of connecting, digitally or otherwise, with friends, they do want their parents around more often. I know some of you are thinking, ‘but my teenager does not get along with me’. Despite this, your uneasy presence is much better for your teenager than your physical absence. You need to start finding ways to make your child comfortable in your presence. 

It is not easy to connect with them. I can understand that your child is always bored with whatever plans you make and they are not in a mood to talk to you when you want to. So what? You have to adjust to their time and mood if you want a happy atmosphere at home. I used to sit and watch my children play Nintendo games. Sharing activities with them made it much easier, both for myself as well as for my children. If there was nothing else, we simply shared space. I stayed with them when they did their homework. When I cooked dinner of their choice, they would even come and help me. I just made sure they did not get the opportunity to blend in background to the point of being non-existent entity of the family. All these activities opened up avenues for conversations without reservations for me.  

Normally, growing teenagers look to create emotional and physical distance from their parents but at the same time it is entirely possible that they are also at ease when their parents balance active engagement with detached availability. You know your child and you will figure out a way to achieve that balance. First, make sure your presence around your children is purposeful and focused. While you are at it, also sharpen your listening skills. Keep in mind that teenagers like to use parents as sounding board. This will encourage your child to communicate with you more freely. 

Not taking things personally will make your life much easier. I am sure you have already learned to see mistakes as just mistakes. Let them learn from their mistakes. It is entirely possible they wanted to behave like grownups but screwed up in the process.

 Rather be concerned if your child is not making mistakes. Making mistakes is not a crime, but rather a learning process. They are still learning ways to become adults and in the process finding their footing in the strange new world. This is the time when adolescents are driven by emotions and impulses, rather than by reason. Teenagers might want to do things differently, so accept their version, and acknowledge and respect their choice. Life is easier if you learn not to expect perfection from your teenage child. 

You have to keep in mind that your adolescent child is very confused by the bodily changes and new flow of hormones and are hence vulnerable. Under such conditions they want your love, support and encouragement to get through this rough patch. They need their parents as wall to lean on when they are emotionally exhausted; they need a shoulder to cry on when dejected or distressed. Along with this they also need your nurture and acceptance and helpful attention, but don’t be protective. Remember, they want to be treated as adults. Hence do not treat them sometimes as children and sometimes as adults depending on your convenience, as we tend to do. Give them importance and trust them and encourage them to move forward with confidence. 

Finally, teenagers are usually occupied with too many things and thus get exhausted at the end of the day. Hence they need rest and relaxation. The key element in dealing with teenagers is to learn to enjoy yourself with them. I tried to be a friend to them. Shared their happiness while playing Nintendo, or Legos. I played with them. Helped them make strategies to beat computer games or shared their joy at beating the boss of a game or simply watched them play. It was much easier that way. I learned to accept that my children would try to find their independence at one point. Yes, all this leads to frustration and to anger and confrontations with children. Parents need to avoid such confrontations. 

I think at least one parent taking leave from work like ‘teen maternity leave’ would be a wonderful thing for their teenage children, right parents?

The author is an educationist and author of several children’s books

usha@pokharel.net

 
• children
 
• teens