Reflecting back

May 19, 2017 23:00 PM Prasansha Rimal

KATHMANDU, May 19: When I look at myself , I no more see a scared little girl whose father had to leave the country for better future. I vividly remember the day he left although I was too young to understand anything but I could see the pain in my mother’s eyes. I had no idea that the Maoist insurgency had led him to make the hardest decision of his life. Time passed as I grew up and my mother made sure that I grew up ‘right’. She made sure that I grabbed every opportunity that knocked my door and did well in school. Not to disappoint my mother, I made sure to do well in school which would ensure my bright future but I never knew there was a storm full of ‘school drama’ waiting for me at the another side of my happy story.

Despite being confident about what I believed in, which automatically pushed me toward stage programs in the school , I was never happy. I had loving parents and was appreciated by my teachers but truly speaking I never had any friends. Growing up as a single child, it was hard for me to learn to share and when I had finally learnt to share, my feelings were only discarded. This till day affects the way I live my life , I have friends who share similar opinions as me but I find it hard to trust people which stops me from expanding my circle. As I turned into a young teenager , the intensity of school drama only heightened and took me to depths of feelings and emotions,  I never knew I could feel.

Few days ago , someone told me ,“ You are never satisfied and always want the best of things.” I didn’t know what to reply to his this accusation so I simply smiled as deep down I knew it was true.

May be it is because of my over achieving nature that I decided to free myself of all those unhealthy friendships tangled with jealousy and hatred and focus all of my energy on building a better future for myself. In the end of the school , I did manage to make few friends who accepted me despite our differences but to them currently I am an invisible ghost of the past who vanished with the gust of the wind.

When I reflect back, I no more have hatred toward anyone, even people who resented me. My unsatisfying nature made me able to cope with the changes that life offered as I was always on a rush to change things and make the best out of every situation. At times, I even gave up and locked myself in my room and went to sleep hoping that when I wake up everything would be alright. I learnt in a hard way that things don’t simply get solved and going to sleep by ignoring the problem is definitely not the way to resolve anything. 

Reflecting back I feel sad for myself that I never tried to enjoy little things that life offered and always looked for perfection.  I finally realize that perfection can never be achieved because it’s subjective.

Going through the pages of my past , I am no more worried about what awaits for me in the distant future  because the wounds of past have healed and I no more feel the pain which  makes me certain that even if I get hurt it will eventually pass and I will be happy no matter the outcome. Looking back , I feel happy for the way I turned out because I survived even when the pressure of life suffocated me.

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