‘Holding on to your past will only affect your present’

Dear Malvika,
I am a 34-year-old woman living in US with my two kids. I had a long-distance relationship with a guy for nine years before he went to UK for further studies. We were happy in our relationship and after my bachelor degree studies I took a job in an airlines thinking I would make money. I did make money, but I kept on losing him as he opposed me for taking the job. I had a rough time for the following two years because he kept on ignoring my calls. One day, I found out that my friend is in a relationship with him. I couldn't take it, so I left my job and came to Nepal. My sister from US suggested me to get married to a guy of her choice. However, even after I got married, my ex boyfriend keeps calling me. Even after 10 years of marriage, I don’t feel that love, eagerness or madness for my husband. I don’t know why I want to have my ex-boyfriend back in my life. My husband and my personality are totally different and we have 10 years’ gap in our age. He is a conservative fellow even though he has been living in USA for past 17 years. I am thinking of getting rid of this miserable life with my husband and start a new life. I think I made a mistake by leaving my ex. I am not at all happy, and spend most of my time at work. I want to share my feelings with someone. What should I do?

It seems like you are holding on to old memories and letting that affect your present. You are holding on to him because you never had a closure. That ex of yours did not make you happy. And on top of that he went into a relationship with your friend. Come on, how can you even be thinking good of him? Yes you must have talked about it and gotten over it. But it seems that you are just crying over spilt milk. Another aspect of your relationship with your husband is that you got married for the sake of marrying. And when you have another person in mind, you will never be able to make a good relationship with your husband. I am sure you have differences. I would suggest if you are seriously unhappy then do rethink the whole thing. US has a lot of good therapists who can guide the two of you. Why don't you give that a try first and see how it goes. As for your ex it's best to leave it at that as he seems to be married and must be content in his life. First, get out of one relationship before you move onto the other one. You also have kids to look after, think about their future as well and be practical about things. If you cannot live with your husband then make sure your kids are taken care of. And I hope the two of you will continue to co-parent them.

Dear Malvika,
I am 21-year-old girl from Pokhara. Recently, I was forced to quit my job after four years because my boss found out that I am a lesbian and in a relationship with a girl. He ignored me after learning about my sexual preference and told me to end up whatever was happening. He said he was concerned about social taboos and told me to change my feeling, get married to a guy and settle down accordingly. How can I leave the person I have loved for this long? I feel sad that people often worry about the society and not each others’ feelings. He even accused me of turning other people lesbian if I got close to them. If everybody keeps abusing lesbians like this, what about our security? If I want to be independent and have ability to do something, is it right to fire me for my sexual orientation? Please provide me some suggestion.

I am horrified to know that this has happened to you. Your sexuality should not affect your work and no one can fire you or make you quit job because of it as long as it doesn't affect your work. Do you know that you can actually file a case against your boss for sexual discrimination? Organizations like Blue Diamond Society who work for LGBTI issues in Nepal can help you with that. And if you keep quiet about such things then no one will be empowered. So you need to speak up about it and think that your step can change things for so many others. It is not easy being where you are but we all need to be bold about it. Do not let your sexuality weaken you. Let it empower you and give you the ability to face the world and society. If your story is out everyone will support you. Don't worry about that and remind yourself that you need to be strong first so that no one can break you.

Dear Malvika,
I am a 31-yer-old unmarried woman working as a teacher. I have been in a relationship with a guy for the past 10 years now. Both of us belong from a different caste due to which his family is having difficulties in accepting me. However, my family has accepted our relationship. He has also been in the teaching profession until now. Time and again I ask him about when we shall get married, but he wants both of us to move abroad for a better married life there. Since I have a well-paid job here, I don’t want to go abroad. I am really confused. What shall I do?

Wow 10 years is definitely a long time. By this time I am sure there are certain goals that you have set as a couple and now the future ambition is holding you back. As the two of you want separate things, this could be a problem in your relationship. I can understand that he may want to have a separate life by living abroad. But he can always marry you here where all your family members are present. And then you can opt for going abroad. Marriages and relationships are also about compromising. If that is what he really wants then in the end you will have to comply with his wishes if you want to be with him. I would suggest the two of you to go abroad first. Be there for two years and see how that goes and then get married. Because life isn't as easy in a foreign country as we think. The struggle is challenging compared to living in your own country. And that will challenge the basic foundation of any couples. If you can bear that and come out happier then the two of you are meant to be together.

Dear Malvika,
I am a 27-year-old woman and had been in a relationship for six years now. We’ve had our ups and downs, but also planned our future together. We have also planned to study aboard together, but he suggested me to wait for him till he goes and sees if the environment will be feasible. But now that he has been gone for a month, he hasn’t talked to me at all, neither has he responded to any of my messages. I don’t know what to do. It was me who convinced him to go aboard, but now as he has been avoiding me completely. I don’t know if I should apply for further studies aboard. My parents knew about our relationship and treated him like a family member. I trusted him so much with my career and life, but he cheated on me. Now I am emotionally and mentally hurt. Please give me some suggestion.

Oh god! I am so sorry that you have had to go through this. I am literally annoyed reading this message from you. That is super selfish of the guy to put you in a situation like this. If he really didn't want to be with you he could have just said so. I don't understand why all the drama and dishonesty. I know you are hurting really bad right now. This will be the most difficult phase of your life but as they say time heals all and it surely will. Now use this productively and be smart about it. There is no point crying over some selfish person. Do what you have always wanted to do. I say good riddance to such a person who was and is dishonest with you. You don't need him in your life. Trust me you can do better without him. If you have always wanted to go abroad then go for it, I wish you all the best but please do not go back to him. Once they disrespect you, there will always be situations like these in the future. Go and make your parents proud and I hope you get the love you deserve.

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