Heart to Heart with Malvika

Dear Malvika,
I am a 24-year-old woman. I was in a relationship at 17 which lasted for almost four years. However, I broke up with him due to his dominating behavior. This left me heartbroken and I went into depression. At that time my father had re-married and left us, so I had all the responsibilities upon me. These two incidents in my life really shaped me the way I am today. I have been earning enough and people recognize me as a sound person, but personally I am broken.

After my break up, I made a resolution to never date again. But I am currently in contact with someone who belongs from a good family and is studying abroad. It's been almost a year since I started talking to him and he says he is madly in love with me. I haven't responded to the proposal yet as I wanted to take time. Although I don’t have romantic feelings for him, my friends suggested that I should marry him for he is good guy. We have been communicating via phone calls. He often talks about marriage with me, which irritates me a lot. Marrying him will also disturb my work because his family lives out of Kathmandu.

He has assured me that I can continue my work even after marriage, but sometimes his words suggest otherwise. I don't know if I should ignore everything, get married and look forward to what life brings or I should follow my guts. I really look forward to your take on this. 

I salute the courage that you have shown after what you have been through. You seem like an emotionally-bind person and for someone who is as such it is not easy to move on in life. I believe there are a lot of unsolved issues within you at the moment.

First, marriage is not the end to life; it is the beginning phase of life. So if you want to marry, it has to be with the person that you love and want to get married with. It is the rest of your life that you have to deal with. And from what you have written I do not think that you are ready to settle down as of yet with this person. You seem unsure and have no specific feelings as such which are not good points for getting married at all. If you were in love and had specific feelings you wouldn’t be writing to me at all. You have your answers with you.

Getting married now for the sake of it and then having that‘let’s see attitude’ doesn’t work in marriage. I think that you should follow your guts. You were in just one relationship before and you are not still in love with your ex. It’s just the idea of what if the relationship had worked out feeling that we get that makes us feel that ways. There is no need to worry about getting married soon. You are just 24;you still have plenty of time and I feel one should get married not because one has to but because one wants to. It’s you who will have to deal with the man and his family later. So good luck.

Dear Malvika,
I am in a relationship with a guy since 2008. Everything is okay between us. Our relation is going smoothly. But the main problem is my boyfriend hasn't told his family about me. He is already 31 and I am 26. I always insist him to introduce me to his family as my family knows everything about us. He says he will introduce me when the right time comes.

These things try to create complication in our relationship. There's no reason to break up with him because he is an understanding and caring partner. But the marriage and family thing creates dispute among us. I need your suggestion. What shall I do? Shall I wait him till he wants or move on?

It’s great that the two of you have grown up together and seen life as it has come. I will also tell you this that if your guy hasn’t informed his family about you then there has to be some reason. Maybe his family is not as understanding and he thinks that it will be very difficult for you.  

Or maybe he is not comfortable talking about you with them as not all families have good relationships with each other. He might also have doubts about getting married and maybe he thinks that it is not yet time to do so. Women have the tendency to rush into marriage as society depicts that we have to after being with a man for some time.

But for that both the partners have to be on the same page. If a man hasn’t talked about his partner to his family even after years then it mostly means he is not comfortable with his family or his partner or marriage. If not he would have a long time ago. So in my opinion you should ask him directly the reason for not doing so and decide then on the answer that he says.

If you cannot wait then it’s up to you but you also have to respect his feelings because if marriage is not on his mind then you cannot blame him. It’s a two-way feeling and is justified. You cannot and should not force people into marriage as they will not be able to live it up after and there will just be disappointments in life.

Dear Malvika,
I am a 33-year-old married woman. We have been married for four years now. Before marrying, when we were in a relationship, my husband had convinced me that he will get rid of his bad habits and never let me down.

Moreover, he told me if I didn't marry him, he would end his life. But after marriage, he did not keep his words. He would embarrass me and physically abused me in public places. He doesn't hesitate to scold my family and neither listens to his own family. He spends most of his time outside and comes home late drunk. He calls me a characterless woman. I tolerate everything hoping that he will change someday. I had to quit my job because he requested me to do so.

I am jobless, have lost my confidence, self-esteem and cannot bear this mental torture anymore. I was silent all these years because ours was a love marriage and everyone will blame me because he was my choice. Nowadays my husband tells me to leave him and choose a man and go with him. It really hurts and I want to commit suicide. I want to go far away where nobody knows me and spend my life serving orphans, old people and women like me for the rest of my life. I think you will understand my situation and help me to make some decisions.

Darling it’s not your fault. You were in love and you listened to a man to make you feel secure. It’s okay. Shit happens in life. Now here is the thing. If everything you have written to me is true, it’s time to say good bye to your man. I am very uncomfortable reading what you have written. No woman should have to go through this and that too alone.

First you need to confess to your own family. It’s time to do so. They love you and they will support you. Then you need to have a two family meeting and see how that goes. You still don’t have kids I presume to it will be much easier to do so. Trust me. And no one will blame you, if they do then they are evil. I would also suggest that you find a job and start working. Because you have done enough of sacrifice, now it’s time to take charge of your life. If there will be blame games from his family or him, tell them that you can charge him with assault and domestic violence. Why do you want to be with someone who doesn’t respect you and abuses you? I am sure you have much more self-respect than this.

And don’t worry about society, and what they will say as they were not there when you were suffering so who cares about their opinion. I am more worried about you. I would also suggest you get into therapy as this will help you for a long time. There is no shame in getting help as such. You are still young and there is so much more to do in life. I know for sure you will find love and will be appreciated one day for who you are. Be beautiful and strong and never let anyone make you feel worthless. 

Dear Malvika,
I am a 27-year-old unmarried woman. I am in depression due to various past issues since a month. The trauma that I went through 15 years ago has made me feel low.

I was a confident girl back then, but now I am fearful and unable to face the public. I can’t speak due to past issues running in my mind. I want to be the old me. I haven’t shared my mental problem with anyone, not even my family members.

Please give me some suggestionson how to overcome my unpleasant past memories.

I wish that you had shared here what it is that you are going through. The main help for depression is therapy and counseling and you have to go to a licensed therapist or psychiatrist for the same. It is always better to tell the family if you live with them.

Family support is the best thing in situations like this. There has to be a reason as to how your issues got triggered after so long so to figure that out please consult a therapist first. Slowly then you can think of other things after you have learnt how to deal with emotions and feelings. There have been times in my life where I have been haunted by the past and have not been able to move on.

There are still days even now where I lose my self-esteem and feel low and depressed. But I don’t stop working and living my life and after a while I start becoming fine. If I just stay idle and keep thinking about it then it affects me completely and I become a wreck which is not good at all. You need to focus on what is important at the moment and what do you want out of life and what makes you happy. That is what keeps you going and makes you stronger. 

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