KATHMANDU, April 7: I am about to give out top six golden rules of dealing with a “boob grabber” situation. You may be inquisitive about what these boob-grabbers are.
Or more accurately, who? Dictionary of Common-sense defines a boob grabber as “someone who has a tendency to grope or fumble for body parts of someone who is walking back home alone for some sort of sexual gratification.”
Some experts believe that a boob-grabber is a mere urban myth constructed by a particular orthodox community to prevent their children from wandering outside after dark hours start.
However, it is contested by a group (who wishes to remain anonymous for safety reasons) of young people who like to call themselves “Boob-Grabber Alert Association” – BGAA.
The BGAA holds underground sessions where victims of boob-grabbing, usually young girls, share their experiences of the trauma.
I had an opportunity to attend one of these sessions (for research purpose) and that is where I came to learn about the top six golden rules of dealing with a “boob-grabber” situation.
Here it goes: First: Unagi. The BGAA is a huge fan of a popular American sitcom called F.R.I.E.N.D.S; and in one of its episodes, a character named Ross attempts to aware his friends Phoebe and Rachel about “a state of complete awareness.”
Every member of the BGAA are given a badge which says “UNAGI” in order to remind them that while entering any dark alleyway or when a sketchy individual passes by or a motorbike slows down near you, remember: Unagi!
Second: Hit where it matters. If you ever have a chance to attend one of these BGAA underground sessions, you will find their favorite FM station blaring out loudly during recesses: Hits FM 91.2.
I inquired about why it is their favorite radio station and one of the enthusiastic BGAA members squeaked: “Oh! It keeps repeating our motto during a confrontation with a boob-grabber: Hits you where it matters.”
Third: Scream your lungs out. In case you are in a situation where the boob-grabber is successful in grabbing your boobs, scream. There is no harm in accepting your fright, embarrassment or shock; but scream for help. Apprehend the boob-grabber.
The BGAAs hold monthly screenings of horror/thriller movies to practice the skills of screaming.
Fourth: Learn a defense vocation. The BGAAs offer short-term courses in self-defense skills, ranging from kick-boxing to judo-karate. These courses are free of cost and only require you to log into their official website (boobgrabberalertassociation.com) and register for the classes.
The president of the BGAA herself is an expert in the ancient Chinese martial art called wushu and has attended various national and international conferences in self-defense and martial arts.
Fifth: Cast a spell. (Well, this one I sort of advised them in all humor.) I mean, when will all that fervent readings of the Harry Potter series come of use! All that black magic, spells and potions!
Make sure you keep a stock of self-defense potions in your bag, a wand, and memorize all the self-defense spells. Google self-defense spells in Harry Potter right now!!! (The BGAAs did not take the joke so well, so I am sort of blacklisted from the group...erm.)
Sixth: Open up a boob-grabber alert group (BAG) in your community. The BGAA offers an orientation course in forming a BAG where they help you establish a BAG in your own community, and provide necessary apparels and various packages of self-defense classes.
They also have handouts, leaflets and newsletters that you can subscribe to from their official website. After a BAG is formed in your community, you are expected to make evening rounds of one or two hours in a group of 5-10 so that the people feel safe.
The BGAAs also have a “Boob-grabber alert box” that you can order through their website.
The box is pretty handy; it includes a set of torchlight and two batteries, a Baygon (a mosquito/bug repellent) spray bottle, a taser (awesome!), a fake pistol, a Swiss Army knife, some munchies for the road, and a special walkie-talkie set that is directly connected to the BGAA headquarters for any boob-grabber alert calls.
So there you go! All set to walk back home alone in the dark!! The BGAAs are yet to finalize their tagline. Until then, their interim tagline is: Hark, hark! Here come the Knights of the Dark!
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