Heart to Heart with Malvika

August 16, 2017 12:21 PM Republica


Dear Malvika,
I am a 27-year-girl currently in a relationship with a married man since a year. He is not yet divorced and has two kids. I know it is absurd and wrong to be in a relationship with a married person, but he promised to love me and leave his family for me. He had been telling me that he was unhappy with his wife. One day he forcefully became intimate with me. He later consoled me saying that he will never leave me. I felt trapped because we had sex. After sometime, I asked him to divorce his wife. But he refused to do so stating that he is a reputed man with a high-post government job. He said we need to go abroad in order to be together. I was ready to do even that, but he kept on stalling me. Later, I found that he had numerous affairs with many other women. So, I threatened to tell his wife if he betrayed me. Initially I felt bad for his wife, but gradually realized that the sadness was for myself. Instead of taking action, I still try to hide and save our relationship as I don’t think leaving him would be the solution. I don’t know what I should do because I am afraid that if I reveal his truth, people will blame me for everything. 

Love is crazy, it makes us crazy. You did what you felt out of love so don’t beat yourself over it. Getting involved with a married person is always tricky. Not everyone leaves their spouses. And especially in Nepal, people cannot due to society and what people will say. So no matter how unhappy they are they will still keep on being married. I feel that you have a lot of negative feelings at the moment. You have felt betrayed and hurt. Even if you do call him out and expose him what good would it do to you because you got into the relationship knowing that he was married and if he cannot leave his wife and get married to you then there is nothing anyone can do about it. Love and relationship cannot be forced. Yes, you can probably ruin his marriage and expose him. Then what? Will you feel happy and satisfied? He will not come back to you. I would say play your card right. Leave him and move on. You will definitely find someone who will love you back and who will want to be with you. You just met someone who wasn’t right for you and who did not respect you at all. Just the fact that he forced himself on you is what annoyed me. Why do women succumb to such emotional blackmail? Men who force women into sexual relationships never respect them. So keep your dignity intact, your head held high, give him a piece of your mind and walk off. 

Dear Malvika,
I am a 24-year-old girl pursuing my master’s degree in arts. I have been in a relationship for six years with a man who is ten years older to me. He is well educated and established in his field. Moreover, he is a caring person. Since he is ten years senior to me, he is in constant pressure from the family to get married soon. He has been continuously telling me to tell my family members about our relationship. But, I cannot be open to my family about our relationship because my parents are not ready to marry me off as of yet. I am stuck in between and can’t gather the courage to inform my parents about our relationship. Even if I ask him to wait a few years, I am not sure if my parents will allow me to marry him. At the same time, I cannot break his heart. Please suggest me on what to do.

If marriage was on your mind, I am sure you would tell your parents, even if they wouldn’t approve. Seems like you doubt marriage with this person even though he might have it all. Rather than giving in to pressure, you need to ask yourself whether you are ready for marriage or not. Given the age gap it is okay that he feels the need to get married. But I wouldn’t want you to get married just because you have to and not because you want to. I am surprised though that they know nothing of him even after 6 years. Why don’t you tell them and have them meet him and see how it goes. You never know what they might say. Parents have the ability to surprise us at times. And if everything turns out right and they like him, you can always ask him to wait few years till you graduate and start working. 

Dear Malvika,
I am 34-year-old unmarried woman. Being the eldest daughter in my family, I hold certain responsibilities towards my house, which in some ways has delayed my marriage. My mother passed away when I was young and my father went into depression after her sudden demise. So, I am the one taking care of my family. My younger brother recently got married. Now my brother and his wife are there to take care of our father. Though I completed my master’s degree in 2008 and have the work experience of eight years, I am unable to find suitable a job as per my qualification and experience. There have been a few marriage proposals, but all of them rejected me due to my age. People show pity on me for not being married even at this age, which is quite depressing. At the same time, I always have had the desire to get an international degree. I am thinking of applying abroad for higher studies, but at the same time I think it will further delay my marriage or I won’t get married ever. I am in a difficult situation and stuck in my own thoughts. I would be grateful if you could give me some suggestion.

I believe you should go get that degree. Yes, you should. It is your dream, you have fewer responsibilities now and this is the best time. Don’t let what people say about you affect you. Marriage is not the end of life and don’t let anyone feel pity for you and please stop putting yourself in arranged marriage situation where they do not even respect you. Women should stop doing this to themselves. Women are having babies in 40’s if not through normal ways, then though In Vitro Fertilization (IVF). I know of many women who have had their first child in their 40’s. and I am also aware of women who got married in their 20’s, couldn’t conceive for more than 10 years and finally did in their 30’s. So having babies is different for different people. You need a man who will love and respect you for who you are not for who they want you to be. You have been the caretaker for so long, and now you need to take care of yourself. You deserve it. Please. So open your mind, apply for that degree. I am sure you will find your partner while you are studying there. I have a good feeling about it. Good luck. 

Dear Malvika,
I am a girl living abroad and I just want you to know that you are one of the most inspiring Nepali public figures. I love the way you carry yourself. I wanted to ask for some tips on how to lose weight after having a baby. I have seen you gracefully shed your post-pregnancy weight. How did you manage to do that and how long did it take? I am asking because I am sure your suggestions would benefit girls and women like me to lead a healthy life.

Thank you for your kind words. I always had in my head that I would have to lose weight after I had my baby. I put on 28kgs during pregnancy. My uterus was blocked and so I couldn’t conceive naturally which made me to go for a C-section. I did yoga and walked a lot during my 2nd trimester and cut it down during my 3rd. After the baby, I motivated myself to stay active and not be lazy despite the surgery. The first four months was a big struggle. Lack of sleep at night, breastfeeding, taking care of the child by myself, is what made me lose major weight in the first month. I never ate oily, spicy foods and foods that wouldn’t hamper my body. I eat like five times a day and keep my meals small. Breastfeeding itself makes us lose 500 calories. After four months, I started working and continued with my diet. So, a lot of physical activity and food control is what made me lose weight. I still have a lot of loose skin around the tummy area which will only go away through abs exercise. I lost all my pregnancy weight before the baby reached a year. Light breakfast consisting of eggs and fruits, lunch including small portion of rice,  stir fried veggies and chicken with daal or chicken soup, fruits in the afternoon, then no rice during dinner and roti or pasta with same stir fried veggies with fish at times.If I eat heavy one meal I have light meals the other times. I always made sure that I eat healthy and in small portions frequently. I hope this helps.

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