heart to heart with Malvika

Every marriage has sacrifices and compromises

January 3, 2018 11:09 AM Republica


Dear Malvika,
I am a 26-year-old girl currently married (arranged) to a guy similar my age. Before getting married a year ago, I had been in a long relationship. Although I have been married for almost a year now, I cannot help but think about my ex. This has barred me from fully dedicating my time to our marriage. My husband is a caring man and tries well to keep me happy, but my memories from the past haunt me. I feel it is taking the most out of my marriage. How can I overcome this situation and live a happy married life? Please suggest me.    

There must have been reasons as to why you were not in your relationship with the previous guy. Remember those reasons. I know it’s not easy to remove someone from your memory. And a lot of ‘what ifs’ do come to mind while moving onto another one. I hope you are not in touch with your ex in any way whatsoever. If you are, please do get out of touch. Make sure you are not connected in any social media too. It is all psychological and you need to tell yourself that he is the past and your husband is the present. Spend more time with your husband. Tell him about your likes and dislikes. Create romantic settings and give it your all. Explore each other mentally and physically and stay in tune to one another. And be mature about this. There is a reason why you chose to get married to another person and move on. Let that be your inspiration. With time, I know that it will be easier. Until then, you need to have patience and keep yourself busy. 

Dear Malvika, 
I am a 22-year-old male currently living in USA. I was pursuing my bachelor’s degree in arts when I was in Nepal, but I could not complete the degree since I got a DV to America and had to abandon my studies to come here. Although it has been three years since I came here, I have not been able to continue with my studies or start a new course. I am currently working as a daily wage earner and I am occupied most the time. Although I make good money, I feel diverted from my goal of getting a higher education here. I feel sad at times thinking about it, but again I get busy with work the next day. I want to focus more on studies in the years to come; can you please suggest me on how to achieve more focus? 

Take it one day at a time. When one starts earning money, education becomes second priority. First, start looking for colleges, go and visit a few of them. Look into the financial matter and see how you can juggle between work and college. Make friends with people who are studying and use that as an inspiration. I am sure you know that education is very important to progress in work. Look at other people and see the difference education has brought into their lives. I know people say that one shouldn’t compare one with others and should be happy with what they have. But I feel that to live in a competitive world, one has to compare at times. This should be used as a motivating tool, but not as a jealousy factor. And this will help you in improving your life. So start looking for colleges, have a meeting with the admins, visit the premises and get motivated. 

Dear Malvika,
I am a 29-year-old woman. It’s been 11 months since we got married after being in a relationship for a year. We love each other, but I feel I should have taken enough time to know him better before marriage when I come across some of his annoying habits. We often fight and he comes ahead to reconcile after every argument. He is into his own world most of the times and is a little boring, that upsets me. Am I being very demanding?  What do you suggest me to do?

You are going through what most Nepali women go through after being married. We do not have the concept of living together before getting married. And henceforth we come across such shocking behaviors from our spouses afterward. I have been there too, so you are not the first person. Over the years, I have realized that I also have some habits which affect the other person that I am with. So it’s all about compromises and creating an environment where two people can co-exist. If one lacks certain things then the other should fill those gaps. That’s how partnership works. You should also be vocal about what you don’t like but at the same time also focus on saying good things to your husband. If there are two habits you don’t like, I am sure there are five that you like. Out of expectations, we tend to focus on just the two bad habits and feel that they should change if we ask them to change. But it hardly works like that in a man’s world. It will take them time, sometimes years. If you do not have similar interests then that’s what friends are for. Request him to experiment with you in your interests. If he doesn’t comply well even after many requests then just let him be. If he bothered you with things that you didn’t like that would annoy you too, right?

Dear Malvika,
I am 25-year-old woman belonging to a conservative Brahmin family. I have completed my studies and am currently working as a nurse. I am in a relationship with a guy who belongs to the Chhetri community. I spoke to my parents many times about our relationship, but they are not ready to accept an inter-caste love marriage. Can you please suggest me what I can do in this case?

Wow, I had no idea that even Brahmins and Chettris have problem getting married to one another. I get asked this same question many a times in this column. I am not sure if you have read the previous ones. The thing is, it’s your life and it’s you who has to live with the man for the rest of your life. I know that family is important, but caste should not be the reason why people don’t get married. Yes, if they have certain habits which are dangerous and abusive then it’s something to think about. When in love, one can do so many things for the other person. Every marriage has sacrifices and compromises. That’s how it is. But in the end if you break up due to the caste definitions, you will always regret it for the rest of your life. Even if you get married to someone else, you will always be in love with another person, and that is wrong. Why don’t you ask him and his parents to come and talk to your parents? And see how that goes. 

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